Ireland and all that it entails

Grumpy, what an epic adventure, hey?

Leaving real life behind and going to *the other side of the world* is not something I would do with anybody but you.

And while I know I was a bit of a Debbie Downer at times while we were there, now that we're home and back to real life, I totally miss it, and I can't wait to see what our next adventure will be.

Love you

E xx

After many (many) years together

This blog spends a lot of time sitting idle, and I wish it was more active, but the reality id this is where I come to vent and what's much better is when we actually talk to each other face to face... proper communication.  So the fact that this blog sits idle is actually a very good thing :-)

Today my vent is very simple:
I love you.  I like you.  I am glad you're in my life.

Even when we're at our worst, you are still my person and my best friend.

Even when I want to wring your neck and you drive me completely bonkers, I still like having you around.

So happy anniversary for last week.  And to many more years of driving each other absolutely crazy.

Love you, Grumpy man.

Your Grumbles
xxx

Our little family

You and me, Grumpy. 

I love it. I love seeing you at the end of the day. I love that in our home there is peace and calm.  I love that our life together is a solid rock in the maelstrom that constantly swirls around us.

Life has been busy, Grumpy. And we have spent a good part of the last two years in a state of chaos.  And chaos is not good for relationships.  It has meant that at times we have been distant from each other.

And I have needed you to be the grown up a lot.  I have needed you to look after me a lot.

Our little family is not going to grow the way we wanted it to.  We found that out this past week.

But I wanted to say to you, that no matter what our family looks like, I am glad you're in it.  I am so happy to have you as my husband, and partner and friend, and if our family is just you and me and our puppy then that will be ok.

I love you forever and ever.

Your Grumbles
xxxx

The best husband in the world

That would be you.

This week has been hard. Super hard. Tears and depression hard. And neither of us has been at our best.

On Wednesday you told me that you were struggling at work, because you were so worried about me, you couldn't concentrate. This made me love you even more. And it made me want to ease your mind, so you didn't have to worry, but I didn't know how.

When I got home from work that night, I was startled. Where were our chairs? Hang on, where is all the crap that usually covers our kitchen? What did you do???

You, sweetest of men, had spent the day (off sick from work) cleaning our house. You had scrubbed and vacuumed and even cleaned the oven! You did loads of laundry and emptied the dishwasher, and the house was so sparkly. And you made me dinner.

It was so very lovely to come home to cleanliness. And cleanliness that I didn't have to do! After that shock, I got to snuggle up and had the best cuddles, but it wasn't until later that it occurred to me - you did this for me. You did this to look after me. You can't fix or control or change the baby stuff, but this you could do, and you did it for me.

You cleaned our house. This is you holding up a sign saying I love you. Or standing outside my bedroom with a boom box. Or taking me on a date night. Or any other stupid romantic gesture. This was it. This was the epitome of your love.

And I love you for it. I love you so very, very much. And it did make everything just a little bit better.

E xx

How do you put up with me?

Grumpy man,

How do you put up with me??

I'm crazy. Particularly right now.  I am demanding and noisy and have attitude out the wazoo. And you still put up with me!

... you must be crazy too :-)

E xx

Travel

Grumpy man,

you are away at the moment.  I say that like it's something different to your normal crazy travel schedule.  It's not.  You are always travelling.  I could rent out your side of the bed, you're in it so often (not in a sexy way, of course... This is a metaphor!! Just go with it!! lol)

But this trip, you, my grumbling, grumpy, undemonstrative little man, have been so darn attentive.  i don't know what's gotten into you.  calls every day!! I feel so spoilt.  It's lovely.

And after four days of it, I am now looking forward to getting home each night to talk to you.  Even though it's only for a few minutes.  Even though we aren't having deep and meaningful conversations.  We are just being together - from different sides of the world.

I love you , Grumpy.

E xx

Tasmania - Day 1 & 2

We are off on holidays! Loving it!!!

We flew in yesterday and walked around Launceston. We had a lovely dinner and then curled up in bed and snuggled and watched tv.

This morning we were up bright and early. We walked around the city and found a place for breakfast. We sat in the sun and had a cuppa and a toastie. We had an hour to kill, so we walked though the city park. We saw monkeys!!! Why there are Japanese monkeys in the Launceston park, I do not know, but it was cool. And we walked under the trees and played in the leaves (oh my goodness, how cool is autumn!). And you found a cannon and decided you needed to sit on it...

You are a crazy boy. Good thing I love you.

I went to church while you entertained yourself. And I'm glad I did. The children's ministry was about putting aside our own plans for our future and accepting that God has a plan that might be different and that plan is perfect. It was important for me to be reminded that what I want for my life and my time frames can be great as plans, but I am not in charge of that.

Then we drove out to Canarvon Gorge. We went on "the longest single span cable car" (totally overrated) and hiked up to the lookout. We had a snack in the park and checked out the peacocks. Then we walked back across the Alexandria Bridge - a gorgeous suspension bridge, which you insisted on jumping up and down on and swinging from side to side. I chose not to take a photo of the sign specifically banning these activities. I just accept that you will always get us in trouble.

We drove to the seaport and walked along the pier. Then we had an amazing lunch overlooking the water.

After we ate we drove north and stopped at some wineries. You were your normal grumpy self, mostly because I made you keep stopping to try wine and you had to drive so you couldn't drink. We hit three wineries, each quite different to each other, and then drove to Georgetown and Top Head.

At Top Head we stopped walked along the shore and got buffeted by winds coming across the Bass Strait. We stood at the lighthouse and hunted for fairy penguins (well, you wouldn't let me hunt so we peered off the cliff and looked for penguin like scurrying).

When we got back to the hotel, we ordered pizzas and curled in bed with a scotch and a cider and ate the yummiest pizzas.

I'm tired and sleeping and having a perfect day, and it is all because of you. Love you.

E xx

And then you go and surprise me

My Grumpy,

I was mad at you this week. Like yelling-at-an-imaginary-you-while-driving-my-car mad.  We have got this big bad baby stuff going on and I go through lots of it by myself and I don't nag or complain that you're not part of it, but this week.... Oooohhh!! I was MAD!

I take the injections. I go to the appointments.  I stress about the numbers and the days and the medications and the times and everything else and you get to cruise along and be off off and away with work and not worry about it at all.  But I don't mind. That's your job. I get it. You have to be away sometimes and it's fine.  I have actually changed medical appointments so they can happen around your travel, if you have to be there.

But this week, I was not in control of when things had to happen.  I got told "this is the day" and so that's the day.  And you need to be there for that day.  This is a family issue and you are part of this family, Mr.

So when I got told that Thursday was go day and I called and said you should start looking at flights to be home for this and you said no I was pissed. REALLY pissed. As in you're lucky I hadn't applied for a divorce pissed. I could scream and shout and throw things about I was so mad.  What the hell did you think this was!! How was this not important to you??????? This is our family!!!

I know we then got to have a proper talk about it and I understand that it would be really difficult to change your flights and nothing is set in stone about dates (they never are) so we can hold off on making changes for a day or two, but I knew you weren't going to fly home.  And that meant that you were putting your work ahead of me and ahead of our family.  So then I was sad. Ranting one minute and crying the next.  I just wanted this to be as important to you as it is to me. 

Big breath. What will be will be. Get on with the day because crying about it changes nothing. And I do know that you love me.

And then today...

Today I got the call from the Dr to say that it's go time.  Not on Thursday like originally planned, but on Saturday. Which is wonderful. Wonderful because it is going ahead!! Wonderful because this is further than we've ever gotten! Wonderful because just the simple fact we're doing this is fantabulous!!!!!!!

And so I called to tell you. To tell you that everything is still alive and kicking. And to say that maybe there's a new date.

And I want to cry, because you responded by saying that's great. Because you'd been looking into changing your flights and.... blah blah blah everything else didn't matter.  You'd looked!!! You were really truly preparing to come home early!! Even though it would have sucked for your work.  Even though it would have cost us a lot of money.  Even though you would have been sitting in airports for over a day and a half (at the last minute, of course there are no direct flights pre-Easter).  You wanted to be home for this!!  This is important to you too!!

I love you, Grumpy.  And I can't wait til Saturday!!!

Grumbles.
xx

Welcome to 2013

Grumpy,

I am looking forward to a better year this year. You have been my treasure and my strength this year, and I have been so grateful for you so many times. I love you more than words can say. This year has been so hard with some real challenges. You have been away so much. I have had health stuff up the wazoo. We did our counselling, we waited for the regulated timeframes, we came through a cancer scare, you stood beside me through everything. You have made this year bearable.

2013 is going to be our year. We will have an amazing year and we are going to come out the other end, even stronger.

While I wouldn't volunteer to go through this year again, it has made me appreciate you and all you do. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Your Grumbles xx

Christmas Grinch

My Grumpy Husband, you are usually such a Christmas grinch.

I really saw how much you love me this year, because I am usually Christmas spirit personified, but I was not feeling it this year. All of our baby baggage was bringing me down, and I couldn't give two hoots about Christmas. I really was a grumbles.

And then you stepped in. Despite complaining every year about the presents and the carols and the bad movies, this year, you encouraged me. You asked me what Santa was bringing. You volunteered to have carols play while we ate dinner. You invited me to watch a Christmas movie with you. You really foisted Christmas on me. And I am so grateful. You know I love this time of year and it would have made me even more miserable not to celebrate at all. And you know me, and love me enough to want to give that to me.

You're a good egg. And I'm glad you gave me Christmas.


With lots and lots of love,
Your Grumbles.

Tears

Last night you were sad.

You told me you weren't sad, but you were crying and crying equals sad.

You told me there wasn't a reason for your tears, you were just crying.  But it was a bit disconcerting to have you cry on my shoulder. You don't cry very often. 

You told me you cry all the time, but I can only think of maybe three other times I've seen you cry.  Maybe that is a bad sign for our relationship that you don't cry in front of me.

You said you were crying because the movie had a sad ending.  Perhaps this was the reason.  But you were burrowing into my shoulder and silently sobbing, and that's rarely the result of a movie.

It's been a big year for us.  It's been overwhelming a lot of the time.  There has been a lot of separation, with you away a lot.  There has been a lot of stress as we sold a house and worked really hard (both of us! Don't forget that this year I got myself a fancy promotion too).  There has been a lot of worry and anxiety, we had a cancer scare in June which is well outside the bounds of normal routine.  There has been the envy and jealousy and bitterness that comes with watching everyone else have babies but us (ok, maybe that's mostly me).  There has been a big target with baby making this year that has loomed over us quite a bit.  And that has taken its toll on me and you have had to look after me which has taken its toll on you. There has been a lot sitting in our heads over the past year and because I have been a mess over it, you have had to be strong.

My theory is that last night you allowed yourself to be sad over all that.  You were wrapped up in a cuddle full of love and you overflowed.  I was holding it together and so you let yourself be sad and let me look after you.

I hope you know that it's ok to be sad or worried or anything over our life.  I want you to share that with me.  I put all my worries onto you to get my burden to lighten up, and my biggest job in life is to do the same for you.

And you can tell me that it's because of the movie, and I'll always pretend to agree with you.



I love you very, very, very, very much.

And I hope my arms will always be a safe place for you to rest your head and cry.


<3 E xx

You are the noisiest sleeper in the world

Did you know that sleeping is a peaceful activity?

It's supposed to be quiet and restful. I don't know how you manage it, but you sleep noisily.  Until I met you, I didn't realise this was possible. How can sleep involve this much snuffling and snorting and snoring?? And rolling over!! You rearrange the bed sheets ever three minutes! It's ridiculous.

 I feel horrible when I have to confess that I sleep better when you're not here*, and it's for two reasons. The first is that you steal the sheets. You're a their, plain and simple and when I have no sheets, I get cold and when I am cold I make up. But the second reason is that you're loud. You have a snore that I can hear from another room.

And you know how other people, you give them a gentle shake on the shoulder or whisper to them and they snuffle and stop... Not you! Oh no. You keep snoring until I shove you in the side or pinch your nose so you can't breathe (not like a kinky torture thing, I promise this is not abuse, it's for like two seconds because them the airflow is momentarily intterruped and you startle... This is not making it sound better...). 

I am a horrible person. I do love having you here and I should just put king size sheets on our queen size bed and buy some nose-strip-sleep-quiet things and then I'll have nothing to complain about!!
Love you always,
E xx


*remember the dog.

Hospital hubby

You are here with me. I am so grateful. I really really want you here this morning. I know we're just sitting here, we're not doing anything interesting, we're not taking to dr's or getting diagnosed with anything, so I know you think this is a waste of your time. I just want you beside me for this. I am really scared, Grumpy. I am worried about what they're going to do and what they're going to find. What if I'm broken? What if this is end of our baby journey? What if I let you down? I don't want to do this. But I also don't want this to be the end. I just want to have babies with you. So please forgive me when I turn into this crazy needy idiot, and just keep sitting with me.
I love you, and I'm glad you're here with me.
E xx

You are driving me crazy!

My dearest Grumpy,

Please, please just back off!! I adore you, but honestly I can not handle your whiney, needy, grabby irritating constant-ness.  you are driving me crazy.  I think it's sweet that you "like me". I thought it was very cute and adorable when this was the endearment you offered to me.  Until you said it every hour on the hour for three straight days.  Now I just want to slap you!

I think it's lovely that you want to shower me with attention and affection, but it is possible for us to spend time together without you grabbing hold of bits of me.  That is not intimacy nor is it foreplay.  I do not feel loved by your yanking my arms or legs out of their sockets in your attempts at cuddling.  Legs only bend 1 way! My knees do not twist sideways! I do not need to be constantly entwined around you - it makes it very uncomfortable to watch tv.

It makes me very happy that you want to share your thoughts with me.  However, every conversation does not need to be a D'n'M.  I like to talk about these real issues with you.  This is a good thing, both for you as an individual to get things off your chest, and for us as a couple so we become closer and we stay on the same page.  I just don't want that to be all we ever do.  Can we please just hang out and talk about how stupid the Simpson's are or who your favourite Friends character is.

I love you, i do. I'd just like to have you stop smothering me for a few hours. Pretty pretty please!
E

Your crazy family

Why does your family do this?? They are normal people one day, happily getting on with their lives.  The next... They turn into psychos!  And it has to be while you're away.*  Which means I have to get involved.  I don't want to get involved - they're not my family! You should have to deal with them.

So what's happened? I'll tell you what's happened. Your retard of an elder brother has just broken up with his girlfriend over the phone.  Yes. Over the phone.  Apparently being forty years old does not stop him acting like a 12 year year old.  I just cannot believe he thinks it's ok to break up with your girlfriend, who you live with, over the phone!

I'm not saying I'm the girls biggest fan, but he is going to leave her with scars that don't heal. This is the most despicable, cowardly act! Is this how your mother raised you boys????

And i can't talk him off the ledge. He's all hyped up thinking he's getting his freedom, and it just ain't so.  I have to say I'm disappointed that he is acting like this. He's always been an all or nothing, black and white person, but the fact that he can't even imagine that what he's doing will be hurtful is absurd.

Now I have to be the wise friend and talk to him about how to fix this... Frankly this seems like a lot of hard work for a relationship I don't even want him to be in. Stupid morals.

Now get home, so YOU can fix this!

Love you to pieces,
E

*Remember the dog...

Sick and Grumpy

So today you are sick. And soooo grumpy! You are like a grumpy little 4 year old and nothing will ever make you feel better.  It is as annoying as it is adorable. I'm betting by tonight the adorable quotient will have dropped.

I hope that you remember how this feels next time i am sick and try to look after me.  And I promise that tonight I will make you something yummy for your poor little tummy.

Love you,

E xx

Travel makes the world go 'round

My Grumpy Man,

You are away, and I am all alone. I should be used to this. You are away a pretty reasonable portion of time*.  And yet, I miss you.  Our house feels quiet.  But it also feels clean.

I spent most of the weekend cleaning. I cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the kitchen. I vacuumed the carpets.  I scrubbed the grout with a toothbrush.  I straightened all the cushions and folded all the blankets on the couch. And you know what's crazy? It's still clean! That's right. It's been two days and you can still see the benches and the floors!

I love you dearly, but I don't think you realise how much your mess makes me crazy.  You say you feel like I've given up on our house.  That I no longer clean or do washing or whatever, but I maintain my position, that you make too much mess for me to clean around.  I have given up because I can spend hours cleaning the floors and benches and then you walk in with dirty feet and dump stuff on the counter and go on your merry way.  I honestly do not understand how making a sandwich involves three knives, two plates and a cutting board and leaves crumbs over the entire bench top. Not to mention the butter and bread that gets left out, or the fact that the plate can then sit where it was left for 4 days.  It's like you did a course in how to make a housewife crazy in three easy steps...

I love you with my whole heart, though. And I rather have you here making a mess thatn away with a clean kitchen.

Your E. xx

*N.B. I have a big dog that will eat you if you try to break in while A is away! Grrrrrrr! So don't think this is an invitation for random internet-ers to come steal my TV.

Photo montage

It's a photo montage!

Holiday

Spending holidays together was an interesting experience.

I found it very strange to realise that this is the longest we have ever spent together as uninterrupted "us" time. I can see why we don't do it very often. I mean I love spending time with you and I loved going away with you and I loved everything about our holiday, but oh my goodness, I don't think we've ever bickered as much.

I swear I could not do a thing right! If I wanted to sleep I was lazy. If I wanted to eat I was a glutton. If I wanted to go somewhere I wasn't letting you relax. If I wanted to stay in and ready book I might as well have stayed home. I couldn't read a map. I couldn'tpack a suitcase. We didn't need souvenirs... It just went on! I think we just about killed each other!

And then to get home and suddenly be loving and relaxed. Why couldn't we be like that while we were away? We got home and fell in love. After two weeks of togetherness that just about instigated homicide, we get home and are all lovey dovey...? I just don't get it. And I don't know how we learn to do it better next time.

What ever... I love you and I'm happy and relaxed after our holiday.

E xx

Helping me through tears

We both know you're not brilliant with tears. Nor do you do well with sick people. So having you look after me yesterday as I wept over my illness, was amazingly special. Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I didn't expect it to be. I thought it would be, not routine, but methodical and logical and calm. Instead it was traumatic and emotional and extreme. And you went through it beside me. You were the greatest of comforts. You were a pillar of strength and a soft place to land. You could not have been a better husband or friend.  And I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I will get through this. And I will do it because I have you with me.
All my love
E xx