Did you know that sleeping is a peaceful activity?
It's supposed to be quiet and restful. I don't know how you manage it, but you sleep noisily. Until I met you, I didn't realise this was possible. How can sleep involve this much snuffling and snorting and snoring?? And rolling over!! You rearrange the bed sheets ever three minutes! It's ridiculous.
I feel horrible when I have to confess that I sleep better when you're not here*, and it's for two reasons. The first is that you steal the sheets. You're a their, plain and simple and when I have no sheets, I get cold and when I am cold I make up. But the second reason is that you're loud. You have a snore that I can hear from another room.
And you know how other people, you give them a gentle shake on the shoulder or whisper to them and they snuffle and stop... Not you! Oh no. You keep snoring until I shove you in the side or pinch your nose so you can't breathe (not like a kinky torture thing, I promise this is not abuse, it's for like two seconds because them the airflow is momentarily intterruped and you startle... This is not making it sound better...).
I am a horrible person. I do love having you here and I should just put king size sheets on our queen size bed and buy some nose-strip-sleep-quiet things and then I'll have nothing to complain about!!
Love you always,
*remember the dog.