Last night you were sad.
You told me you weren't sad, but you were crying and crying equals sad.
You told me there wasn't a reason for your tears, you were just crying. But it was a bit disconcerting to have you cry on my shoulder. You don't cry very often.
You told me you cry all the time, but I can only think of maybe three other times I've seen you cry. Maybe that is a bad sign for our relationship that you don't cry in front of me.
You said you were crying because the movie had a sad ending. Perhaps this was the reason. But you were burrowing into my shoulder and silently sobbing, and that's rarely the result of a movie.
It's been a big year for us. It's been overwhelming a lot of the time. There has been a lot of separation, with you away a lot. There has been a lot of stress as we sold a house and worked really hard (both of us! Don't forget that this year I got myself a fancy promotion too). There has been a lot of worry and anxiety, we had a cancer scare in June which is well outside the bounds of normal routine. There has been the envy and jealousy and bitterness that comes with watching everyone else have babies but us (ok, maybe that's mostly me). There has been a big target with baby making this year that has loomed over us quite a bit. And that has taken its toll on me and you have had to look after me which has taken its toll on you. There has been a lot sitting in our heads over the past year and because I have been a mess over it, you have had to be strong.
My theory is that last night you allowed yourself to be sad over all that. You were wrapped up in a cuddle full of love and you overflowed. I was holding it together and so you let yourself be sad and let me look after you.
I hope you know that it's ok to be sad or worried or anything over our life. I want you to share that with me. I put all my worries onto you to get my burden to lighten up, and my biggest job in life is to do the same for you.
And you can tell me that it's because of the movie, and I'll always pretend to agree with you.
I love you very, very, very, very much.
And I hope my arms will always be a safe place for you to rest your head and cry.
<3 E xx